IT WAS FATHERS DAY...AND MY DAD TOTALLY ROCKS!!!

I wrote this on fathers day. Just really late posting it.

FATHERS DAY

I remember...uh...uh...come to think of it I remember nothing.

See my papa was no rolling stone.
45 minutes to an hour away my whole life.
Had more children and a wife.
2 story house with a nice yard and a dog type living.
I guess he never realized what was missing.
Me and my brother always depended on our mother.
She was the light in the midst of the darkness that was you.
Providing us with all the things you didn't.
It wasn't just the love we missed. But the fact that you never made an attempt that had us pissed.
No happy moments on which to reminisce.
Just the knowledge learned from the school of single parents.
Super woman playing all parts: mother, father, and friend.
Finally got the courage to let this all out but u, you'll never read this.
Cause after 20 years if u can't already see this you're worse than i thought.
But u probably thought that it was great that your child support was hardly ever late.
I mean sure that's more than some men do.
But real men know that child support doesn't support a child the way a father does.
Didn't turn me into the daddy's girl i was supposed to be.
Instead i learned that some men ain't shit in this world.
But on this fathers day i want to say thank you.
You showed me what a father is by being everything one is not.
And i thank you for that.
Thank you for being such a sorry excuse that i will never make for any man in my life.
I know the type of man i deserve and he's the exact opposite of you.
And with that, all of this was just to say...
Happy fathers day.
Daddy.

I JUST COULDN'T LIVE WITH MYSELF KNOWING I HAD JUST KILLED MYSELF

THE LAST OF ME

From the day I was born life dealt me these f***** up cards.

And I have spent my entire life trying to play them in my favor.

But people like me don't get favors.

And every time I think I get something going

life comes in and I look at my hand and see those same cards staring back at me.

Telling me that this is it.

Happiness is not meant for you.

Its not in your cards and no matter how many times you draw from the deck the s*** won't change.

Remember, even the best card trick done by the greatest magician will always turn up the same.

I see now that things will not change for me.

Tired of being sold lies that I can't afford to buy.

So this is the last of me.

The last tear I'll ever cry. The last smile I'll ever fake.

The last time my heart will ever break and shatter under false hope of what awaits.

This is the last of me.

And since he is all knowing I hope God will forgive me.

See you don't understand the pain that sits on my heart or what its like to have your life ripped apart.

And every time it seems to get better, I find more things that inspire this letter.

And I only hope that God will see that there were no options left for me and that I am sorry.

Sorry for committing this sin of life or should I say death.

But try to understand, I have nothing left.

This is the last of me.

***

Too many people give suicide too much credit. Credit for being the only way out of their situation. Not realizing that the only way out is the way in. Weighin their options against the weight on their shoulders thinking its too heavy for them to spread their wings and change things. But we were all meant to fly like angels on earth. So recognize what your life is worth. People realize that your life is worth so much more than I’m saying in this verse and LIVE.

PAINFUL AS THIS TIME IS, YOU WILL ONE DAY SEE THE REASON FOR IT. NOT CRUEL TESTING, BUT TENDER PREPARATION FOR THE WONDERFUL WORK YOU ARE TO DO.

Mourning to Morning

not the entire piece...but dedicated to my mother......

Didn't sleep much that night and I cried all morning.
And now 7 years later feels like I'm still in mourning.
See when you left you did it without warning.
Only a kiss and a hug. You left me with your love.
But over these 7 years that love hasn't been enough.
I no longer feel your arms around me from that last hug.
And I find myself asking for one more like it was a drug.
Like your love was a drug and you were my supplier.
Supplying me with all that I could ever need or desire.
You gave me words when I didn't know what to say, fun when there was no one outside to play, and comfort. Comfort when I needed comforting.
Like the time I watched Candy Man and couldn't sleep, or the times when my brother used to constantly pick on me.
And that night you hugged and kissed me and told me you loved me.
So how could you leave me?
Leave me when there was so much left for us to do. So much left for you to see.
And now 7 years later feels like I'm still in mourning.